Thanks Giving

{ November 26, 2008 @ 7:32 pm } · { Holidays }
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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, obviously a day for Thanks Giving so here it goes…

I am Thankful for…

My beautiful children, without them I would not have done a fraction of the things that I have done in life

My wonderful friends, they are my life and my support

My beautiful home, It’s small but I couldn’t ask for a more cozy place to rest my head

My capacity to love, my lonely heart has been injured but it is still beating strong and eager to love again

The people I meet each day, even a stranger has something significant to teach you in a passing moment

The people that I have come across in my past, whether they are in my life right now or not, I don’t regret even a second

The music, the soundtrack to my life

The beauty, and every excitement that it brings me

The ability to enjoy the beauty in the world, anyone who knows me knows that I can find beauty in a grain of salt

My ability to enjoy life, all of the moments the good, the bad, the glorious

My family, my gorgeous, precious, kooky, heartfilling family….hmm

My ability to learn, to accept the lessons that life has to offer in every breath

Finally, the present day, it isn’t called the PRESENT for nothing, not A PRESENT, THE PRESENT!!!

Enjoy giving thanks everyone. I love you all sincerely, even those that I have not met yet.

The Ninja

{ November 3, 2008 @ 9:17 pm } · { Love }
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What happens when you want something that someone is now willing to give but it the process this something will hurt someone else? What happens when you have too much compassion and you don’t wanna take something from someone you feel may need it more than you do, and you don’t wanna hurt that someone, but here is the true catch, that same person had no problem hurting you when they took that same thing from you? What happens when your heart is too big and you want everyone, even those that hurt you to be happy and to hold their head up high? What happens when even though they hurt you, all you wanna do is hold them in your arms and give them some of the strength you have. What happens when this thing that is causing the you and the other so much pain…you feel like it is rightfully yours. Do you take it back or let it be to save the heart of another who cared nothing for yours?

Bees: The Real Secret Life

{ November 3, 2008 @ 9:16 pm } · { Craziness }
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A couple things I wanted to mention is that I had a great Halloween. Thank you to all those who helped, showed up unexpected, and those who brought the FUNK! I forgot to take pics so there will be no showing this episode, but I had a wonderful evening and it brought me out of a depression I was feeling for a while. I need to do these things more often.

 

Okay and now the important thing. I had this dream where I was laying down and saw a bee coming towards me. I said to myself “I was always taught to stay still and I will not be stung” and I closed my eyes and stayed really still even though I was freaking out because the thing had landed on me and I could feel it crawling on my face and buzzing really loud. Every once in awhile the bee would start to fly away and I would open my eyes just to see it settling again. So, I would cringe and close my eyes again to wait. This went on for about 45 minutes in the dream. I actually fell in and out of sleep within the dream a couple of times. All of a sudden…THE BASTARD STUNG ME ANYWAYS!!!…I remember thinking, “I should have moved, why didn’t I just move? That was a waste of time”

 

What we think this means: I have discussed this with others and the final consensus is that it was a dream about life. The bee represented life and things that can come upon me as a part of life good or bad. I had a choice move and risk getting stung, but still being able to get on with the rest of my life or stay still and wait for it to go away. Obviously I should have moved. I don’t take these things lightly and maybe self-consciously I knew what it meant for me in my life, because a couple of days later I made a crazy move and I am not so sure I am regretting it anymore.

 

MOVE or the bee is going to sting you anyways!

Day 5

{ October 2, 2008 @ 4:04 am } · { Life }
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This quitting smoking thing is easier than I thought it would be. I am really starting to look better. Quitting is so healthy for my body and I am already feeling and seeing the effects; my eyes are clear and bright, my skin tone is even, my stomach is not so bloated, I am not so tired all of the time, I am able to hop up 2 flights of stairs with out having to lay down at the top. Wonderful! I am so loving my life.

Day 3

{ September 30, 2008 @ 3:47 am } · { Life }
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I did NOT wake up thinking about cigarrettes today. This morning my main concern was blemishes. How does a person start to get pimples at 30? I guess it is payback for my never getting them as a teen? Some say that the later a person gets their breakout the younger they are always gonna look. I hope that one is true. I don’t mind getting old, but when you look young, a person tends to get away with things. So anyways I went and got this little regime of products, Aveeno Clear Complexion face wash and moisturizer and NeaClear Liquid Oxygen Acne Night Cream.  I must say the products work! I was already using the Aveeno Ultra Calming products and they were gentle and did not dry me out, which I have a problem with on my forhead and between my eyes, they also smell wonderful but they did not do a thing to get rid of the acne. Since I already trust this product I figured I would stick to the same brand. I washed my face last night with Aveeno Clear Complex Foaming Cleanser and then slabbed on the NeaClear Professional Acne Treatment  night cream. This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror, and to my delight the pimple really are smaller. Now mind you, I do not have monster bad skin. I have a few 10 – 15 pimples that itch and hurt and were scarring because I have a horrible habit of picking them. Those of you that are worse then that probably want to see a dermatologist, but for a few annoying breakouts this was great. I forgot to take a picture of before, but I will take one now and at the end of the day (my acne seems to be at its worst during late afternoon) and for the next few days to illustrate the change.

Adventures in Smoking…or not

{ September 29, 2008 @ 5:01 pm } · { Life }
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I am about the finish day number two of NO SMOKING. Wow, it is kinda hard. I woke up thinking about smoking and it has completely consumed my train of thought today. Especially since I had so much time to  drive without kids. I guess I’ll be okay though. Here’s to making it.

Goodmorning World

{ September 21, 2008 @ 7:53 am } · { Blog }
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I am sitting here about to start homework. I just finished defraging my computer, which was SUCH a good idea. My home page is my blog when I go on the internet so it reminds me to make a new one. Nothing good or new going on today, just wanted to write. I played my guitar a little last night and fell asleep around 8 pm. I know, I have an exciting life. YEAH. WHOO HOO!

I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety today. I am trying to do as well as I can in my job and my schooling so that I will be set up to move to Washington in a couple of years. I am also trying to figure out the best way to get things paid off and get my credit score up. What was I ever thinking with all of these credit cards? My children are wonderful and I am learning new ways to parent them everyday.

On the guy front. He’s been really wierd lately. It seems as if he wants to hang out with me but doesn’t want to say it and is trying to trap me over his apartment. For example: he has me come pick up the kids because they are “ready to go” and when I get there one is sleeping and he has the other carrying out a task that he “must” do. I DO NOT interrupt his parenting no matter how stupid I think it is sometimes, so I sit down and wait until I cannot take it any longer. I just wish he would just say what he wants.

I know what I want. I want to not have to have sex with some new guy. I hate the thought of having to date and be expected to want sex, so I just don’t. I feel too suffocated with men anyways, they need too much attention. I also want to have a guy who loves me and is secure in the fact that I love him, and though he would give me the world, is not up my ass all of the time.  I want someone who is like me and just says what they feel. If I get on his nerves, just tell me. If did something wrong, just tell me. If I look esp beautiful today, just tell me. I want a man who takes my feelings into consideration, I want a man with drive, I want a man with goals, I want a man who wants to be busy and likes to do fun stuff that does NOT require drinking and drugs etc. I want a best friend, and I want someone who likes themselves and is truthful. I also know that it is a long shot that I will find this guy so I would rather be alone. 

I can’t open myself up to dating because I love people and except everyone for who they are. As a consequence I can fall in love with just about anyone I am remotely attracted to and I fall in love far to easily. Besides, even though I LOVE the intimacy that is available when I am in a relationship, I have never been as happy in a relationship as I am alone. In a relationship, I am a bundle of nerves and I am always scared and angry. I can’t live life that way, I’ll age prematurely.

Everytime

{ September 16, 2008 @ 8:46 pm } · { Life, Love }
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Everytime I think I am over him, I see him and realize how in love I really was. This is a totally refreshing thought. I never thought that I would survive love as I have. I am in exquisite pain. I know now that I am truely human. I am real. <3

Hopeless

{ September 14, 2008 @ 10:41 am } · { Love }
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I’ve been pondering for awhile. Are there really nice, good men out there? The kind that you see on Television that hug you when you cry and don’t try so hard to be men that they end up looking like children? Someone who’s a little nerdy and doesn’t even try to be cool? Someone who is just comfortable with being themselves? Or do they all have a Gean that says they have to care what everyone else thinks and can’t just be in their own skin. If there is one out there, I want one….But not now, give me a few years before you find me, I have to find me first and then it’s your turn.

Feeling

{ September 13, 2008 @ 10:35 pm } · { Life }
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I am feeling dead to the world. I guess I have been such a bundle of emotions for so long that it feels weird to feel normal. I am so on even keel that it is scary. I supposed that I am a little bit of a drama queen and thrive on craziness, but at the same time who I am makes me suppress those impulses to be so very dramatic. Things in my life are calming down and going so well. I am not there yet but all I can see is positive skies.

My love, yes, I am still head over heels. How can you be this in love yet so freaking discusted with someone? Did I already ask this question? If I did, how come no one has yet to come up with an answer. Life doesn’t work out how it is supposed to. I was never planning to be with more than one guy and even now I don’t date because I make myself so readily available and give myself so completely to the man that I love that it takes me a while to rebuild. I also completely freak out and get sick to my stomach when I am being touched by someone new.

I miss JD like crazy too. Wow, I really thought he was the one too, come to find out that he has found his one. It’s sad, but very liberating to think that I will be alone for a long time. I am happy with that, it’s just unexpected. I have too many things in my life to deal with the relationship part and I am enjoying that I am now building a relationship with my kids. I am an emotional, insecure wreck when I am with a man, but when I am just me I feel like the cool, confident, normal person that I really am. Life is good.

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